When I was growing up, my mum and step-dad were incredibly romantic with each other. When it came to birthdays and anniversaries they would shower each other with breakfast in bed, flowers and thoughtful gifts. My step-dad never forgot an important date. Without realising it consciously, I had always held this ideal in my head as a role model of what a relationship should be like.
Fast-forward to an important date of my own: the one-year dating anniversary of my partner and I. We had organised to have drinks and dinner at the location of our very first date, a bar that wasn’t particularly romantic in itself, but one that held good memories for us. In addition, we had booked the following weekend away together.
Sounds perfect, right? Right. Except for one thing. On the day of the anniversary itself, I expected something of a fanfare from my partner. I imagined he would buy a thoughtful gift. I thought perhaps he would send a lovely bunch of flowers to my work. On my part, I had a handwritten card and a small gift, ready to be be given on the morning of our anniversary day. None of this had been discussed, it was simply the expectation in my mind.
The night before, my partner, out of the blue, asked me in a panicked voice “Did you get me a gift?” I replied, yes I did, a small one. I could see from his face that he hadn’t bought a gift. And I was hurt. Not because I cared about the gift itself, but because he hadn’t put any thought into it in advance. To make matters worse, he then made a trip to the local supermarket and came back with a bunch of (rather wilted) roses in an attempt to make me feel better. They didn’t. I spend the evening feeling morose.
The next day, the day came and went without a “proper” delivery of flowers to my work – again, my expectation.
By the time we met after work at the bar that evening, my mood was flat. He presented me with some simple but beautiful earrings from my favourite jewellery store, and a handwritten card. However, I could help feeling that the only reason he had bought them was because I had been upset the night before, and was making a last-minute effort to appease me. On his side, he felt upset that he had tried to do his best and it wasn’t being appreciated. Try as I might, I couldn’t let it go and our evening was ruined. I was upset with him, and upset with myself that our very first anniversary had gone so badly and with hurt feelings on both sides. We went home early.
The next day, feeling sorry for myself, I decided to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective.
My partner loves me. He does things daily to express this. He offers to cook dinner if I’m not feeling well or I’ve had a bad day at work. He texts me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me. He works hard to save money for the future house we want to buy together. He sends me flowers when I’m sick. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stressed. The list goes on. Just because he doesn’t behave in exactly the way I expect him to on our anniversary – does this really make him a bad person?
Of course it doesn’t.
I found out later that if I had have let the day unfold without any expectations, he would have given me his card (with a very sweet message) first thing in the morning. We would have met in the bar as arranged after work, and he would have taken me to one of my favourite restaurants as a surprise. It would have been a lovely evening.
Expectations can lead to so much disappointment, when what we should be doing is staying open to the possibilities and letting our loved ones love us in the way THEY want to. When we don’t do this, both parties lose. One feels disappointed, and the other feels unappreciated and like they can’t do anything right.
Anniversaries are a time to appreciate our partner, our life together, and just being with them. Anything else, well that’s a bonus.
Oh and my mum and my step-dad? They divorced three years ago. What I thought was such a perfect picture of love, didn’t turn out to be.
Moving forward, I intend to celebrate important events in my own way, and in my partner’s way. And appreciate him, and our life, for everything it is. Not what I think it should be.
Thirtysomething on Life 